Thoughts on Suicide

I'm not a mental health professional. Sometimes I feel like I need one. Only slightly joking. Francis has had some serious ups and downs this week. Waiting a couple weeks to see his psychiatric is wearing on me. I can't imagine his personal turmoil. He doesn't really share, just get mean with his words and his face gets purple.
I often wonder if he will commit suicide. He has expressed frustration and sadness so much recently. Out daughter and him discovered her dog dead in the street. She's now cycling and that has really impacted him. He normally doesn't take days off of work, he took off today and yesterday he wanted to be home.
I never really thought he'd think scout suicide as an out. See we are Catholic and if you know anything about Catholicism and suicide. Well, they don't mix. Today he said, the only thing that stops him, it's knowing how it would effect people. WOW! I didn't respond to that. I had to process what I heard and what I had always believed. He  needs to be more honest with me about his feelings, his thoughts and how is life is really going.
I know for a fact that there are two kids who would need supervision for a very long time.
I don't know how well I'd handle it. If probably be angry and be a total bitch. Sometimes, now I have to be like that, with him. It's often like having a disruptive teenager.

That's all,
Ash

Hello

Hello, Ash here. No that is not my real name. But, I am a real person. I am a 37 year old woman, entering her fifteenth year of marriage to a bipolar recovering drunk. That is what he calls himself and he suggested I start this blog. He is cycling pretty bad right now, and I think if I would leave him alone, he would have spent all day in bed. You know, sometimes I wish he would sleep all day....but, that also scares me. When he gets low like this, I have a hard time sleeping unless I shut down and get all bitchy. At this point with the highs and lows, I want him to move away forever...and at the same time never leave my sight. My heart aches at the same time I want to slap his face. When he became sober just over two years ago, that is when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and anxiety disorder. I believe he may also be on the ASD. When he rapid cycles with extreme highs and lows, the whole house goes a bit crazy. I am just trying to figure it out without feeling like I am constantly failing, doing something stupid or needing to be this perfect person all while making sure my kids don't grow up and run away forever and talk about how dumb I was for staying with him. This is me, rambling. ~Ash